"blog" ??

i am so drunk tand i think its funny becuase writers are supposed to be so hardcore writiers when they are like thjis and/or are under the nfluence of drugs whish i was bt not anymore because i only toked once but that doesnt matter because that weas like a while afo and im sure its worn off now and.....uh... i forget.. this is retarded and i will proably regret this. KRISTIN WS There.. she ROCKS!! woo..

Serene Dream
08/06/2004

She sits there still, amongst her dreams.
Staring blankly, so it seems.
People look, she sees right past.
In secret silence, unsurpassed.
Floating through her mind so free
Is everything that she could be.
Everything that she once had,
Everything she wants so bad.
Reaching out to empty air,
Reaching out, but no one’s there.
A single tear falls from her cheek,
Lost and cold, no will to seek.
She abides amongst the green.
A few more years, she won’t be seen.
She won’t be heard. She won’t scream.
No one would hear, no self-esteem.
She sits alone in a room so white.
Her body black. She does not fight.
Sweet whisperings of every kind,
Soothe her pain, ease her mind.
Soaking into red above,
No longer a virgin to the feeling of love.

-Andrea

(Don't) Come Back Past
08/03/2004

My dad died when I was 16 years old. I'm beginning to wonder and seriously doubt that he will ever come back to life again. The worst thing about time is that you can never go back. Only forward. And as much as you try and try to convince yourself you can change things in the past, you can't. The only way you can go back are through the ghostly portals of memories held tightly in our minds as memories longing to be remembered forever.

The sad thing is that the mind can hold so much but only so much at the same time and things are bound to be forgotten. Once you stop doing something for a while or seeing someone on a daily basis you begin to forget what they are like and no matter how hard you try to grasp your memory of what it actually feels like to do something or see someone, it begins to fade. It fades away directly in front of your eyes and it has no sympathy for your tears or your pain. It's unstoppable. It's a part of life. It's a part of life that, I personally, do not fancy. It can destroy a person if they are not careful; holding onto the past.

I believe that you must look back to move forward but don't ever be caught looking back for too long as that is when your vision of life begins to cloud and you are no longer living in the present, rather figments of your past. Sometimes this is more comforting but I don’t think it’s how we should live our lives.

I don't know how many people have a problem with this. In fact, I don't even know whether I would classify it as a problem simple because if enough people are trying to deal with their past, meaning "everybody's doing it," then is it classifiable as a problem? What I do know is that I definitely do not wish to return to my past but I do wish I had the comfort of people and things that used to calm me and protect me within this harmful advancement of modern life. Those things I want, I think, are things that I will never, ever be able to replace. Or experience. Ever again.

Nothing to Say
08/01/2004

I've definitly been slacking in the updating department of this website. Summer's half over and just the thought of school is enough to make me cry. It's been fun so far. It's just beginning...

I don't have much to say, that's probably why I haven't written here. Happy belated birthday to Mel! It was last Wednesday..

Hope everyone leaving for quetico has a blast!!! I think it's Mel, Jess, Britt, Manda, Laur.. and ??? Sorry if I forgot you.. Well anyways, have fun with the portaging (sp??) and all xo

Ah
07/19/2004

I wish I had a place to go when I just want to LEAVE. To get away. Honestly. I also wish that parents could realize that if they keep pushing their kids they are going to push then right away from them. My mom should have mastered this b/c it has happened between my dad and me but I am so very wrong. BLEH. I am in a bad mood and I just want to leave and go for a walk or bike ride. Maybe I will. I need to get away. Badly.

Confusosity
07/13/2004

I want to say that I am confused but I'm not because I know that it's creeping me out how theres nothing I can see that wrong with him.. I've never liked anyone like that.. it's the imperfections that I'm attracted to and it's confusing me when he doesn't have any.

"I almost hit a toad. [pause] That was after I swerved off the road b/c of a ****in SUV."
07/12/2004

(1) "I have to ask you something and I feel bad asking but I have a story to tell you first."

(2) "Okay..."

(1) "I almost got in a car accident this morning so is it okay if I don't drive you home?"

(2) "What? You don't have to, that's fine. Are you okay? Do you have the shakes now?"

(1) "Yes. I do. A lot."

(2) "What happened?"

(1) "[insert story here]"

(2) "OMG.."

(1) "Yeah. And--"

(3) to (2) "Hey. Sorry to interrupt but what are we supposed to do for the assignment?"

(2) "Well, I don't know.."

(1) "That was rude."

(4) "Yeah, what do we do?"

(2) "Ah. Why is everyone asking me? I don't know."

(3) "Well you look like a smart one who knows how to do everything."

(2) "Ha."

(1) "He's hitting on you!"

(2) "Ha."

(3) [smirking]

(5) "So, man, you got in an accident?"

(1) "Almost."

(2) [exit]

Insensible Sensibility
07/06/2004

Staring at a blank word doc watching the cursor blink endlessly, wishing you had something intelligent to say, can teach you a lot about where you are in life. The things that pass through your mind are representative mirrorations of what you are and what you are capable of being. Wanting to find your true self does not come expectedly, however. It doesn’t come in the way that the candle of day is blown out in half a breath and night is suddenly upon us. This eclectic truth comes at a time, maybe at the worst of times, when you want it to the least. It knows when things are not good and when things are perfect. The time it chooses to kiss your mind is crucial because the time it chooses, good or bad, results in how much you may get out of its visit.

As you fall into the white screen you are enveloped and unaware of the spectacle you are making of yourself. Floating in complete nothingness tends to sooth your mentality, slow your breathing, and clear your mind. Thinking of everything and nothing all at once helps you to experience prodigious bliss.

The fall back into reality is what hurts the most. You hit the ground like a meteor that’s been destined to hit earth and wipe away all existence. The part that is continually misunderstood is how hard each snap back into actuality may seem, when pragmatically, you’ve been snapping in and out of this reality your entire life. You think you’ve never encountered something to rough and undeniably painful but you have and you will continue to do so. Don’t be afraid of it.

When you find yourself sitting in front of your computer staring at a blank screen wondering what intelligence will come to your mind, or when it will come, think of how many minutes pass by while you sit there completely void of any consciousness and brain activity. Waiting. Watching. And letting life pass you by.

grandpa's marijuana handbook...
06/28/2004

This guy make's me laugh, whoever wrote this. How entertaining...
_____________________________________________

Marijuana is smoked in pipes and anybody can stuff pot into a tiny bowl and inhale even at the peak of the arthritis season. The trick is to choose a pipe that's right for you, a pipe appropriate to the occasion. There are only three basic designs and each will convey smoke to your lungs and spread jolts of healing THC into your bloodstream with decidedly pleasant results... etc etc...

terminology.. (lmfao)

Contact High: To get stoned by breathing secondhand pot smoke.

Hallucinations: Rare in marijuana smoke, unfortunately.

Medical Pot: Marijuana that heals, i.e., all marijuana.

Narc: A Drug Enforcement Agency pot cop.

Paranoid: A realist.

Maybe I should just STOP thinking.
06/27/2004

Ben Stiller is my idol. This guy rocks my socks. He is the 20th Century Jesus of Hollywood stardom. Can you say, Dodgeball is the next best thing to Zoolander?Yes. Although nothing beats the orange mocha frappaccinos (sp?) and the center for kids who cant read good and want to learn to do other things too. Wow. Its 12:28 a.m. and Im making myself laugh with cheap reminiscing. How sad. I love it.

White Goodman: (aka. Ben) You should quit now.
Peter La Fleur: (aka. Vince) I think I'll take my chances in the tournament.
White: Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter: That's what I just said.
White: That's what I'm saying to you.
Peter: Okay, I'm not sure where you're trying to go with this.
White: Well, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
Peter: All right...
White: Touché.

.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`
.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`
.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`

A million hearts
Line the coast
Where you stand
To think the most
Breathing there
On jersey's shore
My picture postcard
Safely stored
Reaching out
To paper hearts
Inside your soul
That slowly parts
Avondale
Comes upon
The coast you stand
And grow so fond
Of missing me
And all those days
Before you left
You wish you'd stayed
Stunned by air
Empty chill
Walking home
You have no will
As Birch Hill comes
Soon you sigh
On the sand
Your patience lies
Like empty dreams
And things you said
Left rock star land
Drove 'til dead
Like the flowers
In the hall
You bought for me
As I took the fall
Down past you
Down past hope
On breakup day
I took the most
But now I sit
And wait for you
I think of you
And all you do
The coast you stand
So far away
Calls my name
Everyday
And every time
You grace its waves
It thinks of all
The souls you've saved
And how much you
Don't know you did
You picked me up
An ancient bid
Of secret words
Left behind
Dusty days
Of all time
You walk along
With half year sun
And think of times
We had the fun
Behind the tree
And in the sky
Our dreams together
Shall never die
And as I sit
And as you stride
Our hearts collide
I love this.
Endless ride.

.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`
.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`
.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`

Is it wrong to say that I actually like being alone? I think it's a contradictory subject because I always talk and think about how I want to be with someone when I would rather be with myself. Or would I? Am I just brainwashed into thinking that every person has to have someone? Is that the way it's supposed to be? Perhaps it's fair to say that I don't know what I want. I don't. To be alone, or not to be alone? I don't know what I want.

I'm so creative when I live inside me head. I think so many things I wish I could write down. I try to but they always sound better in my head. Thoughts and paper don't mesh very well. Besides, on the rare occasion that I produce something on paper that I actually like, I have no one to share it with. It's so cyclical.

I think it would be too easy for me to just become "Holden Junior" (Catcher in the Rye) and loose my touch or my want of touch with reality. Thank god for that too because I would be so far gone (or so much more far gone) if that wasn't there - my touch with reality. I keep holding onto the fact that someone will come and rescue me and take me to another life where I can be happy. With them. With someone. Maybe I'm just better off alone.

I know I'm only a teenager and that I "have my whole life ahead of me," but I don't really have a life when I have no one. My life is me. When I step into reality, that's not right. I don't think. I'm really confused with it all and I have no one to clarify things for me. Is life supposed to be that way? Do I just make something up and assume I'm right? I've been doing that for as long as I can remember and it doesn't feel like I'm stepping up.

I don't know if what I'm doing with my life is right. I help out a lot. I do the things I love. I get involved. But why is there this void within me? Why can't I find the key to make me a whole person. When I feel "whole" (for lack of a better word) it's only temporary. And fabricated. I want it to be real. Am I being unrealistic?

Maybe I am better off alone.

There was a food fight (for lack of better words because that's how much it sucked) during 3rd lunch. Yes, the caf was so dirty after. Gravy, Ketchup, fries, hamburger buns, mayonnaise (sp?), etcetera. Blah. Whatever floats your boat I guess. Damn grade 12 "pranks." Apparently they let a bunch of rats go wild in the forum too at the end of the day.

Steph and me got Hasson (teach that I have for 1st AND 6th period) this pin that says "Let me guess... you still live in your parent's basement." He's 27. And yes. He lives with his parents. Well, in period 6 we mocked him so bad so it was only fitting to get this button. He loved it. I skipped 6th so after class he was like "I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT'S SO FUNNY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT'S AMAZING. I'M GOING TO PUT IT ON RIGHT NOW. THANKS!!!" The caps are definitly needed. I probably could've used way more exclamation marks too. I wanted to hug him 'cuz he was so uberly excited about this little button. It was exciting. It was quite hilarious. Besides skipping to get ice cream (Mmmm.. cotton candy - "Pam, YOU HAVE A CAR???" haha), it was the highlight of my day.

p.s. Even though this isn't done (meaning I am p.s.-ing too early), the quote to Pam was for my amusement. You weren't there so don't act like you understand. I'm a loser. Three words that explain it all. Well, four words if you count the conjunction. But hey, I'm a loser. At least I'm happy. See? :)

I must be off to study for my all-knowledge-and-application marketing exam tomorrow that I have to get a frikkin' 90% on because that's what my teacher "is expecting." WTF. He's going to be gravely disappointed when I get a 68%. Why 68% you ask? Because it just feels right.

Have an nice day.

Bad sex sucks.

:)

I'm fucked. Seriously.
06/14/2004

Okay, so I took some "Personality Disorder Test" thinking that it would just tell me something about myself that I already know but I was so wrong.

Disorder : Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

I had no clue that i'm paranoid. And by no means am I dependant. Okay, schizotypal? WTF is that? And Histronic? I have no clue what schizotypal is (obviously something to do with being schizoid) but histronic is (according to my friend @ dic...com) "excessively dramatic or emotional." I am not. Am I???

Antisocial?? I don't think so! Narcissistic?? Well, the first step is admitance, so yeah. Big whoop. haha. Obsessive compulsive?? Not enough to be ranked as "high." I am not that bad.

LMFAO. Read this:
Schizotypal - The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way.

WTF? I do not believe "to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to me in some important way." At least, I don't think I do.

This makes me laugh. I hope this isn't an accurate representation of my personality because, if it was, and I was my friend, I would run away. And never look back.

_________________________________________________________________________
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

tears fall down ur face. the taste is new.
06/13/2004

shit. i'm going to fail. such a slacker. i used to be so good at staying on task. i've learnt it's all downhill from here.

Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This'll be last chance you get to drop my name

If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar
If I'm just bad news, then you're a liar

good song.
DAMMIT.
why can't i keep on task!?

meh.

i'm dying my hair :)

Finger Eleven
06/13/2004

I wish I could write like this. I love it.

(excerpts)

... Therapy ...

Wide awakened out of spinning
Round the safest orbit
You controlled the ordinary
I was grateful for it
Wide awake in the beginning
Trembling after the fall
Only half my world remembers
While the other half revolves

Its all too familiar
Ive been here before
Ill carry this weight for your smallest reward
Because Ill continue to break down the door
Just let me in I swear
It will not be like before

Cant think of what to say
I cant think of what to do
I just think I might be losing my mind
Cant stop this agony
Cancel my therapy cause
I just thought of you
and now I feel fine

... Complicated Questions ...

Easy to be taken with everything youre saying
Make us perfect and say it all again
But if every single seconds killing
Tell me Im dreaming
Ill sleep it all away

Im stung with sick discovery

But complicated answers never did you any justice anyway
Complicated as we are were going have to burn it all away

... Thousand Mile Wish ...

So can you stay until we close our eyes
Til your dreams hold mine
Just stay until we know we tried one more time

Cause laughing lovers can overcome their closest demons
And theyll go on and they wont let go

Can it stay until we know ourselves?
Im torn as I tell
Youre the story that I know and fell from
Im so far into your story I dont know why

... Conversations ...

Something changing
The secret is building
Almost over and somehow seems a beginning
Losing focus
It must be boring
Looking forward never turns out the wrong way

Conversations alone
Complicate us together on our own
Conversations alone
So alone

No one calling
But someone is bound to reply
No one out there
But someone hears every word
I know were playing the same game
Easing the conscience by

OMFG - 1:11 a.m.
06/12/2004

My throat kills. I can't talk. I smell like weed. My hair's mest. And I had the best time ever tonight. Rock on. Moshing is my new love. I swear. Me and Kristin kicked some serious ass tonight.

Funny shit that happened:

- We were the only girls moshing in the circles where you get beaten and all the guys would wail us not knowing we were chicks and then gives us looks like "OMG did I just hit a chick?" It was even funnier when we'd wail them back SO phuckin hard. Yessssss.

- When we were standing in line to get in, bracie commented on this one dude's hair and how she didn't like it (headband + curly hair = disaster) and during the last three or four songs the same guy hit on her and gave her his email. I was laughing so phuckin hard. hahahaha... and I quote "He showed up and I had a body guard" or some shizz like that.

- Nick Lachey (not actually but some grade 9/14 yr old (I think) look-alike) had a phucking staring problem. He wouldn't stop looking at me. No joke. It was weird. And his friend w/the matching necklace (yes - they had matching necklaces..haha) wouldn't stop looking at bracie. It was quite humorous to watch.

- There were these two amazingly hot guys standing beside me and then all of a sudden they starting makin out! I was like AH.. it was hot.. lol (i guess you had to be there)

- (local band) Lucid Blue (I think they were called) opened up first and they were gonna play some song and the guy was like "this song was inspired by Jesus Christ" and it was all quiet and (being the Minister of Faith and all) I starting yelling "I love Jesus Christ!" and "God Rocks!" LMFAO. People from my school were like haha WTF. It was awesome. I love reaction.

- Big Plaid, Hat & Lip Ring Guy, Nick Lachey Look-alike, and Red Shirt Guy w/a Girlfriend are my idols. I love 'em.

Amazing night.

It's like a phuckin drug. I am addicted.

I love boys that mosh. So hot. Whoo!

The true meaning of infatuation (and a REALLY cool website)
06/10/2004

If infatuation equals true love then, I am in love. Sadly, it doesn't! But hey, I make the rules... And I quote the corniest dude quotable, whoever said this: Every time I look into your eyes, I'm helplessly aware, the someone I've been searching for is right there. I love that dude. What a corny moment.

and don't forget this amazing website that helps to pass the time forever and ever and ever...

http://www.auburn.edu/~shephcd/whatyouare.html

^^^ site from JANINE ALONSO!! yeah JANINE!!

The documentation of my life from 12:41 a.m. to 12:55 a.m.

(and moments there-after)
06/10/2004

Okay. It's 12:41 a.m. What is there to do at 12:41 a.m.?

I was watching Shrek 2 and I fell asleep circa. 7:14 p.m. (the last time I remember looking at the clock). I woke up at 11:27 p.m. Now I am wide awake. Sitting here. Wondering what there is to do at 12:41 a.m.

I have to pee extremely bad. I was looking for a nicer word to write that's not so "appetizing" but all I found was pee-wee. lol. I have to pee-wee.

Now I'm thinking about Pee-Wee Herman and all those amazing movies that I used to watch over and over when I was a kid. It's funny how I don't remember him all that much even though I must've watched his movies every day for a year. All I remember is the circus one when he rode on a tricycle. It's like a 3 second clip that plays over and over in my head when I think of him. Oh, I also remember when he had to quite making the movies 'cuz he got charged for child molestation or something along those lines. Way to flush my idol down the drain. He was weird and I could relate.

A lot of people have been asking how my day(s) have been and I say fine. However, when I think about it (and yes, do the mental list thing) they are the exact opposite. They suck. I don't understand, though, why I don't feel that they suck. They just feel "normal." Does that make any sense at all? If not, it's (now) 12:51 a.m. so give me a break. Mucho appreciato.

This random dude added me to his MSN and, normally, I don't like people I don't know adding me b/c it takes up valuable contact space but he seems cool. I was reading his profile. One thing says: "i am addicted to solitaire. solitaire is the worst game ever, it's like smoking, u hate it, but u just can't stop doin it. that is aboot it." He's contradictory AND random! woot woot!

Anyways, I am uber bored. Gonna go run down the street and wake up the neighbours.

Not literally.
_____________________________________________

Okay. It's now 1:21 a.m. I feel like writing more as I have yet to find something to do this early in the morning.

It's funny when you talk (extremely) simple French and people assume that you are actually French. French is cool and I like to say "Quoi?" or "Je ne sais pas" the occasional time. By golly, does that make me French? lol. Damn straight.

So, I thought people were joking when I heard them talk about the "long anticipated" return of the Hanson bros. I used to like them and so did you. Don't deny it. How could you resist the mullet-wannabe-ness of a 3 boy band of brothers? Simply irresistible. Give it a few months and we'll be hearing from the Moffats too. Oh Lordie.

It's funny what the morning does to your grammar. During normal daylight hours I would never (ever ever ever) say "oh Lordie" or "by golly." I have to admit, I am a bit frightened.

This is getting pretty long but I don't want to stop writing b/c I'll be left sitting here doing nothing (which is impossible to do actually). But, nevertheless, I can hear the crowd getting antsy and i feel they're at-the-ready with their tomatoes. I best be off.

Nighty-night my fellow friendlies.
(@ 1:33 a.m.)

p.s. I was thinking about how kristin's bro went down south somewhere and emailed the fam here in the L-dot. He wrote:

"My shoulders is burnt."

Kristin said he was obviously drunk off his ass. Wow. Makes me laugh every time.

I wish I were a poet.
06/08/2004

I wish I were this famous teenage poet who could write kick ass shizz and make millions. Well, I don't care so much for the millions but, let's be honest, it would be a nice added bonus. It would be sweet to have other people actually want to read my stuff. The sad reality (and there always is one) is that I will never be that good and if I ever do get that good, I won't be a teen 'cuz I only have two and a half years left.

Two and half years. Woah. That feels weird to say. It feels like such a long time but I know it's not. Another creep ass thing is that I'm going to be going to university when I'm 17. 17!! Oh woe is me.

So, I was just looking at my poll (u may not understand this - most likely) and I think the results are extremely funny...

i get..
[ 113 Votes cast ]

36% ditched
27% off
5% stuff
22% nothing
9% coal

Even though only 113 people took it (so far), majority says I get ditched. And off! Uh... I wonder if people are reading it as I as in me or I as in them. Who knows.

Phuck. I'm supposed to be doing my marketing ISP right now but this offers such a nice distraction. What would I do w/o it? I would be doing work. That's what. Once again, phuck.

Procrastination sucks.

I dont discriminate. I hate everyone.
06/07/2004

I wish I could keep tabs on how many people read the documentation of my life. How much they know. That way I could fabricate it even more and make them wonder how fuck'd up I really am - not that they probably don't do that already. I hate people who fabricate their lives because they're just too dull to admit that their life is boring. At least I've made it to the first step. I admit that my life is dull and boring.

I bought this button that says, tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic. The funny thing is that I thought I understood it. What a prime example of how I've cobbled up all my shit and can't tell the difference between who I really am and what I actually understand from who I'm not and what I don't (and probably never - however, you should never say never or some shit like that - will) understand. The even funnier thing is how many people who read the button and just kind of shrugged it off with a look of dumbass confusion because they didn't understand it either. It made me laugh. (Especially when they'd say something stupid like, "That's good," or "That's funny," when they obviously didn't understand it.)

The definition of tact is blah blah blah including the ability to speak or act without offending. So now, I understand this button and I was right in the first place - I do(!) believe in what it says. Hooray for me ( <that spoken in the blandest tone imaginable).

Meh. I'm done.

-Ange

Ardent Suicide
06/06/2004

Staring at the ceiling
Grasping the silky air
Thinking of her life gone past
Thinking nothing is fair.

Reaching for the white above
Touching the blackness of her heart
Wishing she had someone to hold
Wanting a brand new start.

Lost in the maze inside her mind
All the map speaks are lies
The walls slowly close around her
She solemnly curls and cries.

Rags of protection
Keep her apart
Torn and blistered
Like her heart.

Lips so red
And skin so white
A candle burns
Her only light.

Within her dreams so high above
She embraces hope and endless love
Mere wonderings in her mind
Countless wishes of all time.

Fingers gripping skin so pale
Ice cold floor cures her fever
Laying alone her breath so quiet
Everything she is, soon to leave her.

HP - the insufficiency of a first-class director
06/06/2004

Harry Potter and the Prison of Azkaban.
A joke???
Indeed.

OMG. Can you say, "THEY RUINED THE HARRY POTTER TRILOGY?!" Well, they did. It's plain as day that some new (foreign) guy directed the 3rd flick. It's so effed. Okay. I have a few major rants.

(1) Lupin. Hitler. Parallel??? I think so. What the f*ck was the casting director thinking? Come on. There's gotta be some tension there.

(2) Boggart scene. Setting the tone: Lupin [not actual quote], "Let's play some Hitler-anti-Semitism music to help you fight this deadly beast of a creature." LISTEN TO THE MUSIC. Does it not remind you of the same type of music they listened to during the war? WTF?!

(3) The blue bird + the crazy tree = untimely death... twice. Was the director so effed that he had to (randomly) show a little cute bird flying happily (with music) through the sky then getting kyboshed by a psycho tree? Twice? That was so unbelievably random.

(4) Eat this. Its chocolate. It helps. Can you say date rape?? Okay, maybe not date rape but Lupin says that to HP at least 5 times throughout the flick. Its so random. The way Lupin says it creeps me out. *shudders*

(5) The voodoo head thingy on the Night Bus!? WTF yet another example of the many ways in which the director is on crack. And doesnt the Night Bus FLY???

(6) At the beginning of the movie, Aunt Marge swears. Okay, so she says b*tch in the context of a female dog but hey ITS A KIDS MOVIE. Some kids idolize HP and repeat everything they see/hear/read, etc. I thought that was a little uncalled for. Comon. Think of the kids. (lol)

(7) The grounds were completely different. If youre gonna make a freakin trilogy, keep the scenery looking the SAME! It ruins the whole set when some crack head director changes everything.

(8) Hermione is a skank. What happened to the know-it-all, fighting-with-Ron, stubborn chick that rocked? She was practically gonna rail both Harry and Ron (not literally, of course). They changed her character so much.

(9) The overall complete randomness of the entire movie. Woah.

(10) What happened to Goyle?? (Or is it Crabb??)

(11) Not enough Draco or any other students for that matter. There was a primary cast of like, what? 5 people?

Conclusion: the director's on crack.

Seriously. I want to cry.

The Staple
06/05/2004

I only stapled a guy's shirt once. I didn't mean to though, that's the thing. And, being the good person that I am (much appreciated if you don't roll your eyes), I took the staple out. That way he didn't have to come back with the shirt after he'd already picked up his order and complain about how I (accidentally) stapled his shirt. It was a nice shirt. He was a nice guy. Oh, I see a parallel. Nice Shirt equals Nice Guy (NS = NG). What a mint equation. However, if taking out the staple was the "right thing to do," then why do I feel so bitter about it? It's not even a big deal, yet, when I think about it, I wish I had left that staple in. It's been (approx.) almost a year since I stapled that guy's shirt and no matter how many times I get bitched at, or how many times I fuck something up, the thing I'm so bitter about is that damn staple. All I want is to have the satisfaction of knowing that that guy found his stapled shirt and.. well, I guess, got mad. Or dealt with it. I don't know. What would you do if you found out someone stapled your shirt? What if that shirt was his favourite shirt? I think he'd be mad. But he seemed like a pretty nice guy. Nice guys don't get mad. Actually, I lied. It's the nice one's that get mad. It's the weird one's that don't. Just speaking from experience. Weird equals better (W = B). Yet another mint equation. How despondent. I could be wrong. But that is rare. Anyways, I hope the staple left a hole.

is it weird?
06/04/2004

is it weird to relate to people and they don't even know it? is it weird to think the exact same way as someone but keep that knowledge to yourself? is it selfish? is it weird to think that a great friendship could be at the tip of your fingers but not doing anything about it completely sabotages the whole idea? is it weird to want to get to know someone better because you feel like no one understands you? is it weird to want to get to know someone better because you've finally met someone who sees the same logic as you? is it weird to tell them you agree with almost everything they say? is it weird to think that when you most likely say something to them they won't believe you and/or won't understand? is it weird to say that the only person who you think will understand you won't? is it weird to give up because no one will ever understand?

i feel so useless
06/01/2004

i don't know if it's just me or what but lately if been feeling so useless. i sit through my classes like i don't exist, i talk to people but i don't listen (i don't do this on purpose.. i just kinda zone out), and i've been trying so hard on all my assigments but it just seems nature has a way of booting me in the butt for trying hard. i'm beginning to think that i should just give up.

am i doomed to fail or am i doomed to faiL!?

yeah. that's what i thought.

please. leave me while i go crawl in my hole and die...

feel free to join me. resistance is futile.

Big Fish - A Father's Love vs. Frustration
05/30/2004

"The thing about icebergs is that you only see the 10% that stays above the water, and the other 90% is hidden below. That's how I see you, Dad." - Big Fish

I think it's pretty useless yet ironic how I could sit there (in pain - not physical) and watch this movie (Big Fish) with my dad. A movie that's about a son's relationship with his father who is dying of cancer. A movie in which the son retells the story of his father's life through glamorized reality. A movie that speaks so obviously directly about the faculties of a father/son relationship yet so bluntly indirectly at the same time.

To get to the point, I quoted this from the movie because it wraps up my relationship with my father so perfectly. I don't know my dad. That's to say that I know him just as well as he knows me. So, in other words, we're perfect strangers.

Watching this type of movie had me convinced that my dad would break free of those chains of conformity and assumption but I was drastically wrong. I learned something today. You know that old proverb, you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Well, let the walls come tumbling down because that is so very true.

I see so many parallels between that movie and my real life. The father says to his son, Were storytellers, both of us. I speak mine out. You write yours down. My dad bullsh*ts his life, and I write mine down. Oh how very similar. The son says, Have you ever heard a joke then forgotten why its funny? Then you hear it again and its new? You remember why you loved it in the first place? Well, not to sound pessimistic or anything, but I see my dad a lot and I cant stand him. Then I go awhile without seeing him and when I do, I love it. I remember why hes such a cool guy. Then the story ends where it began. The repetitiveness of my life.

Hes a good guy and all, but hes just not father material. And the only problem is that I think Im the only person who ever realized it.

Let Me Die
05/27/2004

As the day unfolds
I don't know
If you'll smile
If you'll know
What you did to me
How you made me feel
You ripped my heart out
No, it's not a big deal
You right you fucker
So blind towards me
Your silence burns
Please set me free
I keep on hoping
You'll come around
Eye contact at school
You don't turn around
Build up your wall
Of shit pussy lies
Don't tell how you feel
Just please tell me goodbye
So I can move on
Stop thinking of you
You run my life
You're in all that I do
You choke me with glares
No will to say "hi"
I loved life before you
Now, just please let me die.

p.s. this isn't about anyone in particular.. just the mood i was in when i wrote it i guess

For the love of Grandma
05/26/2004

Because I was busy growing up, I failed to actually realize (and understand) how important my Grandma is. I haven't really talked to her in a (long) while. Today I (faked - Shhh..) that I had headache and my mom picked me up @ school 'cuz she has the day off. My grand'rents magically showed up @ our place when we got home and I volunteered (yes - can you believe it?) to go grocery shopping (as much as I despise that place where hungry butt munchers hoard the food and bash you with their cart not even realizing it..). My Grandma is such a nice person. There was this dude walking in circles outside the store staring at his change in his hand and I was like, "WTF is he doing?" but my Grandma-ma knew. She gave the dude a quater for the carts 'cuz he didn't have one. How nice.

I've realized that I should be more like this nice person I am so luckily related to. Needless to say, I've compiled a list of ways that I can work on my genuinity (is that a word?):

Ways to Improve my Genuinity (or things my Grandma does that I should adopt)

(1) At least pretend that I care when someone wants to tell me why they're in such a bad mood/stressed out. My grandma has become an expert at (pretending) to listen. I'm still trying to figure out if she actually hears me when I talk.

(2) Say b*tchy things in a nice way. For example, my Grandma would say, "Yeah, you're outfit looks good on you," instead of, "I would never go out in public wearing that." Another example, "I'm glad you don't where clothes like that," instead of, "I'm glad you don't dress like a f*cking whore."

(3) Be proud of imperfections. You can still look beautiful even when you have inherited the big (and unfortunate) honker.

(4) Party!!! Ever time I talk to my grand'rents they're partying! I guess that solves all.

and last but not least,

(5) Never stand for second best. From food to shopping to guys, my Grandma has always taught me that there's always something better. She's damn well the best, rootin tootinest bargainer in all of everywhere. You pick out something and she can get it for you for half the price. No joke. It's kinda creepy but hey... $ is $.

Oh, another thing my Grandma does is tell this one joke over and over and over and over at all the different parties she's at. I can't remember exactly how it goes but after hearing it so many times I don't laugh because it's funny, I laugh because I find it very humorous as to how my Grandma can tell this one joke a bazillion times and still crack up every time. This woman laughs at her own jokes. Every time. She is my idol. haha. :)

The Other Side
05/25/2004

piercing air
inspiration there
rock hard chest
life so mest
looking around
no one found
not a sound
fuck'd head pounds
nail scratching
teeth gritting
taste of blood
can't get out
feeling torn
brutal cuts
bruises visit
body and soul
on the inside
great place to hide
secret feelings
no one can see
pretending to be
nothing more than worthless
mind set
breathing taste test
give up
don't try
it looks better
on the other side.

To each his own.
05/24/2004

It's funny. When I write things I have this huge idea of what I want the piece to be and how I want it to turn out. I have the things that will happen - places that will be visited, people that will be seen - all planned out (in my head). The only problem is that when I actually go to write the story, it takes a completely different form. A completely different direction.

I start to write and my fingers go in one direction and my mind goes in another. And then I stop. And realize that this isn't the direction I want it to go in. Is this bad? I mean, aren't writers supposed to keep on track? Does this make me a bad writer? Or is this normal.. a better way to write a story because it evolves from one event to another and even you, the writer, don't know what's going to happen until it does? Personally, I think the second way is more exciting but I have no idea if that's the way it's supposed to be done.

When I think about how it's supposed to be done, I think, "is there one specific way to write?" Can someone actually teach you how to write? Isn't it all stylistic and how the individual shapes how they would like to write? I'm sure this is a keynote on what separates the good writers from the bad writers but I don't think that any one person can say that you must write this way or that. Being that my opinion, I kind of answered my own question. However, is it the right answer?

My life is so cyclical.

Nevertheless, I think that writing is something each to his own and nothing more. Its a blatantly personal craft and the creator of words is a remarkable (wo)man.

On another note, when people say "It's funny," (and I quote myself at the beginning of this entry) do they actually think it's humorous? Are they actually sitting there laughing and writing what they think is funny? 'Cause I don't. I guess it's all in the way you read things. You can think someone is an extremely odd and unusual person if you think that every time they say something is funny that they actually laugh. They must think that everything is funny when, in retrospect, they dont.

Now, I just have one final question. What are these journal entries supposed to actually be used for? Im sure theyre not to be used as a bland and boring way to express the wondering thoughts inside my head (although it does help to write them down and organize those useless thoughts). But whatever. I dont think theres anyone to answer that question (or any other questions I have). All in all, theres only one thing to say that overrules all answers --- To each his own.

p.s. Is that the right statement to overrule all answers?

p.p.s. Like is said, my life is cyclical and nothing more.

Grey Reward
05/22/2004

Grey Reward

Walking down the same street
Again.
Fog wrapped around empty souls,
Hollow trees,
Cars drive by.
See the person walking slow,
Invisible is there being.

Lost between your layers
of thick, grey sadness.
Wonderlessly lost.
Signs directing in wrong ways,
constantly deceiving,
Lost in the fog,
Or at least pretending.

Walking for nothing,
Trying to get away,
Circles allotted.
Held by the dampness
reflected in your soul.

Found your eyes,
Between the layers
of grey nothingness.
Comfort abounds
But why
Do I still feel like shit?

Turning my back,
Doing what is right,
Because walking no where
Into grey
Is better than walking to you.

Happy Birthday Christy!!!
05/20/2004

In Reality
05/16/2004

I have this dysfunctional fantasy that everything I want and have will always be there when I need it. The sad reality is that it won't and it will never just always be there. The hard part is recognizing this and doing something about it. The other hard part is recognizing the fact that it is so much easier to sit there and recognize it than to actually do something about it. Do you follow? I think that this is definitely one of my tragic flaws. Not Shakespearean tragic but just as bad. However, its a give that I won't die from it. Well, I won't physically die from it. If I don't realize that things aren't always going to stay the same I may loose someone I really love and a little part of me will die with them. I may never get that part of me back.

The contradictory part of it all is that I believe that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Okay, you move houses or schools and everything around you changes but you fight with yourself because you yourself don't want to change. It's so much easier to hold onto the unchangeable than to embrace the fear that comes along with something new.

Perhaps this is everyone's flaw. Who's to say what is and what is not? I don't know one person who would openly embrace the full-frontal change when it comes along, knowing nothing of what will happen - positively or negatively. It is hard to take the road less traveled and it's even harder to realize which road you are taking. I think a lot of people have convinced themselves that they are in fact taking the road less traveled, when in reality, they are just merely melted into the one big mass population of "normal."

I read in a book once that psychologists would tell a patient who has endured rape or sexual assault of some sort to mentally convince themselves that the event never occurred. This would be used as a means of recovery. They said it would actually work too. What a perfect example that the mind is a powerful thing. So if this could be done with a traumatizing life-shaping event, then why can't it be used in everyday life amongst people like you and me? We probably use this tactic all the time but are unaware of it because we've brainwashed ourselves so much into believing what we want to believe - not what is actual reality.

I think that if everyone took a step outside of their shady bubble and embraced what the world is actually about - not just the world we choose to see - perhaps there wouldn't be so much fear and anxiety amongst ourselves and others.

I think it was Einstein who said, "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Einstein wasn't a good student at all and just look at what he became. We need to break free from the chains that choke us into being one mind and people and become ourselves - what we are truly called to be. Stop convincing yourself you are someone you're not. Stop telling yourself you're doing the right thing when you're not. Maybe then will be all be able to wipe the slate clean and be truly happy living in reality.

drop me anywhere on the map and I'd quickly

prove that location isn't the problem --- it's me.
05/15/2004

When I was born I swear that someone sprayed me with permanent human repellent or something. It's weird because I've realized that everyone I meet and get close to (as friends you dorks) eventually leaves me sooner or later. Nothing good in my life ever lasts. What's the deal?! Honestly. I must have Leave Andrea ASAP writing in small, but clear print all over my face cuz once they get close enough to read it, I blink and vamoos. Goner. And it's not like I can blame it on anyone but myself I knot it's not the people around me or "my luck" (because I have none). I don't get it.

I wish I was more cynical. (I think that's how you spell it). As impersonal and subjective as it sounds, I wish I was. I think cynicism (sp?) is so much more intriguing than being "normal." Normal is so boring anfd everyones perception of normal is so distorted and diluted. Its sad really. People who are blessed with this lovely quality of indifference (a.k.a. cynicism) are lucky because they're so much more entertaining and "deep." My opinion. So does this mean I'm a derisive-cynical-wannabe? haha.. I hope not but all the evidence leads to the fact that I am. Thats not such a bad thing, is it?

Anyways, lets hope that my depressing way to naturally fend off people I actually like eventually disintegrates into non-existence before I decide to move to a forest in the middle of Nowhere Ville and become a deaf mute just like my idol Holden Caulfield. I love it.

L8er

"Ations" by Shel Silverstein
05/10/2004

"Ations"

If we met and I say "hi"
That's a salutation
If you ask me how I feel
That's a consideration
If we stopped and talked awhile
That's a conversation
If we understand each other
That's communication
If we argue, scream, and fight
That's an altercation
If later we apologize
That's reconciliation
If we help each other home
That's co-operation
And all these "ations" added up
Make civilization
(And if I say this is a wonderful poem,
Is that exaggeration?)

.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`
.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`
.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`..·´`.·´`...·´`..·´`.·´`

Shel Silverstein is a poetic genius. He is brilliant. Brilliant I say. The way he takes words from that big thing that sits on your shelf forever and never gets used - oh, a dictionary I think it's called - well, the way he situates words, with ease I assume, is amazing. I wish I could write that good.

The funny thing is that when I write something and I think it is worthless garbage, people love it. And when I think it's amazing and I work my ass off to make it amazing, people think it sucks. I don't get it. So, in retrospec (sp?), if I write really sh*tty and completely weak in the wrist (and braaain) then I could make millions! Right?

happy mother's day losers
05/09/2004

I'm @ my grand'rents place right now. The rest of the fam (like cousins, auntsm unclesm and shizz like that) will be arriving momentarily. As for right now, I'm bored and sitting here on my Gramp's commputer listening to BX93. McCann will appreciate this. They just played "Last ONe Standing" by someone.

I sincerly appologize for the damn typos as the keyboard I am on is one of those split in the middle and severly slanted so you feelk like a gimp and can't type not to mention the fact that the people reading what you're typing actaully think you're a gimp becuase you can't spell let alone type.

Anywaysm, i'ts pretty bad that even when i go places I am bored. There is no entertainment here and all I have is my Allure mag and a bag of (ass enlarging) SmartFOod that I bought at the grocery store oon the way over.

Oh, you know what was exciting today? We ordered a DQ ice cream cak (yum) and when we oicked it up they gave you a free Blizzard. Oh it was heavenly. It was perfect timing too becuase it totally candy-coated my mom's anger b/c two seconds before we arrived @ DQ i took out the curb. ya, i was driving btw. don't get me wrong, i'm a really good driver but, you see, my 80s CD was playing and on came "You Turn Me Right Round" and i got excited... enough said...

Anyways, haope u have an awesome mom's day!!

The Essence of the Sucky Life - a short narrative on what it's really like

05/07/2004

My life sucks. Yes. It does. And its not like a can just snap my finger and WHAM! Its different. Its much more complicated. Its the fact that I do the same thing day in and day out and see the same people everyday and each the same food from the same kitchen from the same grocery store every day. The fact that I write about the same shit, think about the same stuff and gossip to the same people. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing.

I mean, if you look at it with wider perspective, then I guess it does change. I was little. I grew up. We lived in one house, we moved. I switched schools. Someone died. But that change is only temporary. Soon enough youre back to your same boring routine. But wait! It gets worse. The saddest thing is that I can step outside myself and realize that this is going on. That just makes it awful! The fact that I can see how boring everything is and how miniscule my world has become. Sad. Really.

Im not usually one to gloat on things for very long. Until recently. Ive become this mass produce complain factory where all you hear from me any more are complains. I used to hate people like that. Im beginning to hate myself.

What scares me is that I can say that I hate myself, but another part of me is like a psychotherapist or something. I know that if I begin to hate myself I will self-destruct and probably break down or go crazy. That would make my life exciting. But then I think how much work it would be to get my life back on track and how much of a waste that would be. I fight with myself and it angers me. Half of me wants to do one thing and the other half says its wrong so I just end up in a shitty medium where Im really pissed of because I cant do what I want. Confusing, isnt it?

People say that the mind is a powerful thing and I wouldnt doubt that for a second. So then why dont I just think myself into being happy? Well, the psychotherapist in me says that that would be unhealthy and surreal. After all, I do want to live in reality.

I get pissed off so easily nowadays. Im sick and tired of my life and thats why it sucks so much. Im sick and tired of being an only child who has everything. Im sick and tired of having rich friends and neighbors and having the perfect view of life. Im sick and tired of always loosing the things and people whom I love. Im sick. And Im tired. I cant take it anymore. I need to get away.

While I was pondering ways to get away, one of the options was suicide. Now, dont get me wrong. I would never ever think of something like that. I wouldnt be able to bring myself to that end. I love life too much. Just not this life. Suicide confuses me. I mean, sure its an ideal place to get away to but its not real. Yah, you can imagine where you want to go and, just like in the books, form your heaven to be whatever you want whenever you want it. But the thing Im afraid of is what it will actually be like when I get there. Theres no proof that it will be nice and comforting and you will be careless. Theres nothing that solidifies theses ideas. This, for me, is enough to scratch suicide of the list of way to get away. Its just not real.

it's not done and probably never will be, but, in my world, this is the essence of the sucky life.. have a super weekend!! =)

L8er, AnDrea*

Sunday - a day of perpetual bliss?
05/02/2004

I reeeeally wish I could just have one of those days that u sit on ur ass and watch movies and eat (and get fat) and do absolutly nothing. Like what they used to do on Sundays...

I have to go "usher" at some conference @ skool for the Catholic Ed. Board today. Hmm.. it should be interesting. I get to be a slave to the skool board! WOO! Are the community service hours REALLY worth it??

Cabaret was awesome! Everyone was amazing and it was such a great time. It was so very much better than last years b/c this year I actually knew more ppl and Drew/Lee (the MCs) said my last name right! haha...

I don't understand how after 11 hrs of sleep I can still be tired. Isn't sleep supposed to regenerate u!? I mean, com'on, what's the deal here?? lol jks...

I saw Mean Girls las nite with tash! haha.. it was SO effing hilarious. You should definitly take a trip to the theatre with ur $9.95 (rip!) and see it...

L8er

p.s. OH YEAH! YESturDay was my 1/2 Birthday!! WAHOoOo! 16 and a half! haha i got a 1/2 a chocolate bar from my cuzin to boot! oh i am soooo loved.. lol..

(¯`v´¯)
`·.¸.·´
¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´ happee belated 1/2 bday to me

Rock Bottom
04/18/2004

I wish I were
Away from here
Can barely breathe
Another tear

Chains hold me down
Pressure to feel
Lost in a crowd
Never to heal

Scorn and scold
Hot turns to cold
Heart turns to rock
Weak turns to bold

Eyes are empty
Pain is gone
Nothing surrounding
Love withdrawn

Take my hand
Hold me tight
Together we can
Loose this fight.